i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize