she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
