life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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