We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
