So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
