I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
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