How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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