Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
