do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
