Moan for me like Helen Keller
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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