someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He shit in the fireplace
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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