in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
