It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The best revenge is premature balding
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
