he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
