Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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