she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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