We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
