I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
