I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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