I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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