remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize