I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
