I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
this just has baby written all over it
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
