Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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