her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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