dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize