My underwear smells like fireworks.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You're like the curious george of whores
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize