Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
