Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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