She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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