nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
then he tried to convert me to islam
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize