It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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