and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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