I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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