the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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