I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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