Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
