i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
