In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
