I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
