you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
