Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Randomize
