I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize