Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
