youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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