I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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