haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
