Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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