I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
