my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
