anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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