so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
