theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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