i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
