I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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