4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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