I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
