Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
