when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
