I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize