he thought i was a dude.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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