I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
