Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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