Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
