I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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