How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You are the jesus of drinking
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
